[Issue 16 / Feb 16]
I call myself the ‘Lady Rainbow.’
He is right there. I am about to fulfill the traditional rituals and get a new status in my life. I am getting married. Music and laughter echo into my hesitant heart, while I choose to take a step further because this feels right. Yes, it feels right. I think so. I bet so. I am kinda happy.
The bright light from the camera lens reflects through my diamond ring. Someone says she is one magical woman.
It’s all WRONG.
He lied about so many things. I took a step forward – a leap of faith and now I am in a rut. Weeks have passed by and all I do is WORK. The family told me to WORK. They promised happiness, BUT here I am, creating my own Rainbow to embrace the little world I have yet to create, or let’s say, maybe I am creating.
Months have passed by and I still WORK. He does not spend time with me and I have to try harder than I thought. The family seems to bring the worst out of me. I am not this.
Can someone bring the worst out of another person? Is this just my auto-defense mechanism, my response to survive? I recall the honeymoon days. I don’t have anything worthwhile but I cling on to the hope for a better tomorrow.
I am not your doormat. I am not your punching bag. I am no one’s doormat and no one’s punching bag. Who told you I could absorb all your lies and stories? You are not a man of your words. And kindness is false and the greed real.
The wedding day was all lies.
Every new day and the same SHIT. Where’s the Rainbow?
His temper has gotten worse. His lies and art of creating new stories have gotten better. How am I supposed to keep up with this change and accept that I am not the only woman in his life? How can I accept that I am not scared of him? When he speaks I hear the thunder and there is no Rainbow.
What should I do? If I say more, my parents will be worried. My silence is killing me because I simply cannot share this with the world. I have a reputation, REMEMBER? My status does not permit me to express my dilemma.
I put on a new color every day. It seems to keep me focused.
I sit quietly in my room, thinking—I am scared.
What’s going to happen next? How can I get out of this? Do I actually want to get out of this pain that I am becoming immune to. My system is getting better in accepting abuse, arrogance, and malnutrition.
Yes, I cannot eat well. When I want to eat, there is not enough food. I felt fertile when I was a new bride. Now I feel like a living corpse.
Let’s go back to why I feel or call myself ‘Lady Rainbow.’
The ancient fertility goddess responsible for sending rain to nourish the crops was called “Lady Rainbow.” She helped fertility by overturning her sacred womb jar so that the waters would flow from the clouds to the earth.
The same Goddess rescues me when I lose consciousness one day, and I am rushed to the ICU. Depression has weakened me.
I am diagnosed with a rare sickness that affects the brain. They have a complex name for it that I have never heard of.
I am not DEAD. I can hear my heart beat. It is beating very fast. My family is in shock. My new family is trying hard to be supportive. Yet I am losing a battle I never created. Perhaps my silence did!
Like ‘Lady Rainbow’ is responsible for sending rain to nourish the crops, I was responsible to nourish my soul. I should not have given up. Seeking professional help would have helped. I should have done this and that. I could have done this and that.
Well what an idiot I am. But I was not an idiot before. Not before the marriage. Not until I met him.
I am in COMA now.
My hands are bare. No multihued bangles clinging anymore. The hospital smells bad. The whispers are louder than they should. They are talking about me, about my husband, about death.
Abuse has no home. But it lives within me. The surgeries make me unconscious for days. Or is it weeks? I hear chants and prayers. Who are these people?
The goddess rainbow visits me finally. It smiles and merges with me after which I sleep for a long time.
When I wake up I see a friend walk in. I can’t speak or hear, but her tears suggest that she is happy. Her mouth is tight shut. I think she wants me to conquer the world. Her tears seem to urge me not to fear. It will be alright.
After she goes, I close my eyes. My husband has visited me only once. I saw blankness in his eyes. Perhaps he was still thinking about office. He is busy, too busy. I know, I know.
The time comes finally and I smile when I take the final breath. There’s a rainbow that I can see in the distance. I know that I will be here again, as rain for the crops.
I have become the lady rainbow. Finally.