Howtocommita perfectmurderThere are probably thousands of ways to kill another human being. But very few in which you can get away with it.

If you have killed someone in rage, please be warned that this is a recipe for disaster. There are two big reasons. One, the obvious evidences you will leave behind, and second, the lack of an alibi.

A carefully planned murder, therefore, works much better, and while there is no guarantee that you will never be caught, you still will have to deal with your conscience, and the nightmares of getting caught which will haunt you for the rest of your life.

And if you are indeed caught, there’s another serious trouble I should warn you about. Those who find themselves in a jail for rape or murder and have no allegiance to the two warring organized crime groups doing their time in the jail, they end up getting raped behind the bars. In short, you as a non-regular criminal will be treated as a sex object for the regulars.

Still want to commit a perfect murder? Ok, so here are the basic rules. You need a dead conscience, and a well thought-out plan, one that is executed 100%.

India is a better place to kill. Our forensic laboratories are not run by the police and the hospital staff can be bribed easily. The equipment and the technical expertise that they possess are also old fashioned.  And don’t forget the fact that they are overburdened.

Despite this, India is a difficult place to kill. To vector the victim to an isolated place in a manner that he or she is not seen by anyone, is nearly impossible. Indians are everywhere: in parks, on roads, behind the buildings, any place you can think of. This challenge needs to be considered while planning.

Next, the weapon you choose needs to be disposed of quickly. Now where to put it away also needs to be thought-out.  Throwing it in a river or burying it in forest is a good idea. But rivers dry up and dogs can dig out the weapon from anywhere. And if you decide to keep it at home and the police discover it, it’s a ticket to the gallows.

That’s the reason a weapon is not recommended. Push the person you want to kill from such a height so that there are no chances of survival. Say like from an aircraft. But that is impossible, isn’t it? A bridge maybe. Or a mountain slope. But remember the person may survive and live to tell the tale to others.  How about a cruise ship? It’s cool because if you are lucky no one will notice it and a person in water after a few hours can’t be found. But ships have cameras and smart interrogators may find out by grilling you long enough. A background search can establish a motive too.

How about poison? That’s cool. But where will you get it from? Who will administer it to the victim? You have to make sure that the victim is far away from you and someone else does the job. This would mean travelling to that place in advance and finding a collaborator, who might start blackmailing you later.

How about supari, like in Bollywood movies! It’s easier said than done. How would you find the perfect killer? You will have to talk to people and that would give away your identity and motive at a lot of places and people might trade this information with the informers cultivated by the police at a later date.

Does this mean that it is not possible to do a perfect crime? Well, with a lot of planning, and a fair amount of luck, and the hope that the police and the medical examiners will overlook certain things, and a perfect alibi, and an ability to live with a bruised conscience, and money, and influence, it can be done efficiently and one can live happily ever after.

Here is the final blow, a successful crime—which obviously you will be very proud of—can’t be talked about. There will be no medals, no acceptances speeches, no media interviews, no cheers, and no one would ever look up to you and say, ‘This guy is a winner.’

It’s a lot more fun, therefore, to kill in the novels. Look at Agatha Christie, she made up so many characters and killed them, efficiently or otherwise, and we call her the queen of literature.

I would therefore urge you to kill, but only in the stories you write, or imagine in your heads.

So what about the people you want to get rid of? Just ignore them.